Within the fiery halls of sci-fi is Star Trek, guarded at the gates by Paramount. Decker keeps Star Traks within a roaring fireplace, too hot to handle. BorgSpace, by Meneks, is locked in the toaster oven. Handbasket Insurance, Inc. To: Claims Department, Handbasket Insurance, Inc., Purgatory Complex, Customs Rock 18, Arrival Dear Claims Department, Enclosed is Form 27c, concerning insurance claims against property. In summary, both residence and personal shuttle were damaged on Puloxis 21, Recent Revised Calendar Year 1202. Insurance Policy: HA354L8 Homeowner's Policy: HA354L8-A Vehicle Policy: HA354L8-C1 Sincerely, Donnik Hanno To: Donnik Hanno, Residential Web Complex Tyton, PO Box 261, Garage, Departure Dear HA354L8, We are unsure if the incident on Puloxis 21, RRCY 1202, may be claimed under either current homeowner or vehicular policies. Insurance agents have been dispatched to Garage to examine other claims; contact the Mobile Agent Department to schedule an appointment. Please understand agents will only submit photographic evidence and written reports to the Claims Department, and are unable to process claims. To supplement official data, send this department a detailed narrative concerning the incident in question such that we may determine proper course of action and reimbursement, if any. Sincerely, Claims Department Handbasket Insurance, Inc. "Put all your eggs in one handbasket" To: Mobile Agent Department, Handbasket Insurance, Inc., Purgatory Complex, Customs Rock 18, Arrival Dear Mobile Agent Department, The Claims Department has informed me insurance agents will be visiting Garage to view orbital habitats and other facilities damaged on Puloxis 21, RRCY 1202. I would like to schedule an appointment. Please supply me with date and time so that I may make arrangements to meet the agent. Sincerely, Donnik Hanno To: Claims Department, Handbasket Insurance, Inc., Purgatory Complex, Customs Rock 18, Arrival Dear Claims Department, A Borg cube tore through Tyton residential complex web, during which time my house was severely damaged and my shuttle nearly destroyed. The AD news services have done a much better job showing the chases and subsequent results than I ever could. Is that enough? I believe my loss is covered under Natural Disasters, Act of Deity, and Omniscient Accidents. Sincerely, Donnik Hanno To: Donnik Hanno, Residential Web Complex Tyton, PO Box 261, Garage, Departure Letter #1- Dear Mr. Hanoo, Handbasket Insurance, Inc. is a very large company serving the interests of many entities. As we are in the midst of a small labor strike over a disputed contract, we may not be able to respond as promptly as we would under other circumstances. The agent assigned to your area will be available to examine your properties in the morning of Anci 3, RRCY 1204. Sincerely, Mobile Agent Department Handbasket Insurance, Inc. "If you pay us, we'll care about you" Letter #2- Dear HA354L8, We require a detailed description of how damage accrued by your properties. Television is insufficient. Please account for as much damage as possible, which will be double-checked against the mobile agent report. In addition, we regret to inform you that there is no specific Borg clause in your contract. You are under burden to argue how the Collective falls under Natural Disasters, Act of Deity, and Omniscient Accidents. Sincerely, Claims Department Handbasket Insurance, Inc. "We don't have to care, we're the insurance company" To: Mobile Agent Department, Handbasket Insurance, Inc., Purgatory Complex, Customs Rock 18, Arrival Dear Mobile Agent Department, What do you mean "The agent assigned..."? Is there a /single/ agent for the Garage system? How long has this contract dispute been occurring; and when is it expected to end? I strongly protest! Claims has informed me any action upon my claim can not occur until your agent gets here. I will not wait almost two years - 710 days - for action to be taken upon my case, as property repair in the meanwhile will in validate my claim! Please answer my questions, as well as advance my appointment to a more sensible date and time. Sincerely, Donnik Hanno To: Claims Department, Handbasket Insurance, Inc., Purgatory Complex, Customs Rock 18, Arrival Dear Claims Department, I present to you a detailed description to the incident on Puloxis 21, RRCY 1202, which damaged my residence and personal vehicle. As everyone knows, the gas giant Garage is unique. Well, all the planets and moons of Arrival-Departure systems are unique, but perhaps Garage more so than most. Tiny "snowflakes" of dilithium form in the atmosphere, which are then borne aloft by storms to congregate in the upper atmosphere. I've been told by a geologist-chemist friend the process is supposedly impossible. However, in my book, if you can make wormholes, then what is a dilithium producing planet or two? Once the dilithium snowflakes are high in the atmosphere, they become available to the Garage cloud harvesters. That's what I'm involved in: I supervise harvester crews. Each harvester looks like a cross between a space elevator and a carpet vacuum. Two asteroids are connected to each other across a distance of 100 kilometers with three braided Buckey cables. The braids of tubular carbon are the only material able to withstand the extreme stress harvesters experience, especially when one is active, the lower unit slicing through clouds while the upper unit remains above storm tops. The lower end has a vacuum intake, the hoses of which follow the Buckey cables to the collecting facility up top. The hoses are much slacker than the cables and do not bear any asteroid mass, which allows them to be made out of less exotic substances. The collecting facility separates snowflakes from gas, sorting the latter into differing compounds, then storing all until a cargo hauler can transport the materials to a processing facility. Active harvesters run off the electricity collected from cables slicing through atmosphere. The process also creates immense quantities of heat, which is radiated away via additional cables deployed behind the upper unit. The harvester keeps its location stable by venting extra gas through thrusters, but when necessary, it can reel up the lower unit and boost to a higher orbit, where tugs can pick it up. The factories, each with the capacity to process material from ten active harvesters, are located on moonlets. As there are many more factories than AD currently needs, Garage Fueling Company generally operates only four. Five governments/races also operate factory-harvesters, but due to number of beings necessary to man facilities and expertise required to semi-understand Progenitor systems, most people prefer to buy their fuel, gasses, and complex carbons from Garage Fueling, or one of the other two companies in existence. Dilithium snowflakes are processed at the factories, as are gasses. Cargo haulers off-load, whereupon an amazing operation occurs. I'm sure millions of years of studies have occurred, discoveries continually lost and regained; however, I'm equally sure no one has ever completely cracked the technology. Most of it is self-repairing, happily, and that which isn't can easily be manufactured or machined. Oh yes, the process. Incoming dilithium flecks are funneled into immense drums. In these closed vats, a combination of pressure and chemicals compresses the snowflakes, forces them into appropriately sized crystals to be used in power generators. The process seems to be akin to squeezing snow into ice, or graphite into diamond. The factories also transform harvested gasses into a wide variety of products. Some of it is used to catalyze the dilithium manufactory, but the majority is made into everything from pure product to reaction fuel to CHON blocks (carbon-hydrogen-oxygen-nitrogen - food replicator precursors) to a purple goo no one is sure what to do with. As Garage is a gas giant, heavy atomic compounds, other than dilithium, are lacking, but the many minor moons of nearly pure metal ore in orbit more than adequately fill those gaps. Both harvesters and factories are of Progenitor make. Who knows how old they actually are (or where the name "Progenitor" originated), but somehow not only do the machines fix themselves for the most part, they also wash and wax themselves. We - people trapped in the AD systems - only provide warm bodies to hit buttons in the right sequence, move cargo around, and fix those very few systems which are fixable. During long shifts when I'm shuttling between harvesters to check crews, I become philosophical. I feel that if there weren't people here, the systems would adapt, would continue to chug away as they have for countless millions of years with sentient assistance. The fact that anyone could build such a masterpiece is mind-boggling. It is equally mind-boggling how such a technologically advanced civilization could do so and neglect to provide directions on how to escape. Obviously the Progenitors weren't quite perfect - no one is - but still...a little, tiny bit of forethought would have been appreciated. Assuming they had time for foresight before they left AD. About this time my philosophical mind shuts down in self defense, and I turn on the radio for some music or the Jhad-ball scores. Back to my report. It was the dilithium and manufactories which attracted the Borg cube to Garage. For me, the Borg are a nightmare tale, something my parents told me to frighten me into good behavior for an hour or two. Our racial histories tell of escape, flight, pursuit, and the whim of a being called Q. I don't pretend to understand it all, history not one of my strong points in creche school with all the pretty fems peeping flirtatiously at me from behind their hands. I do know that pictures and movies which survive from my species' assimilation 120 years ago scare the begeezers out of me. Please note, because I know you are going to ask, that I had no control over the locale of my residence, it being one of five hundred in the Tyton web, and Tyton one of many residential web complexes in orbit over Garage. What follows could have happened to anyone, just as a strong wormhole storm or an omniscient being having a really bad hair day can affect anyone, regardless of preparation. As I indicated, it was the dilithium and manufactories which attracted the cube to Garage. I was home at the time - my off-shift days - so I watched unfolding events on the wall screen. I also had access to additional information through a subspace transmission scanner - squawkbox - I was given by some good friends in the Garage Fueling defense arm. The first thing the cube did was sweep upon a quiescent factory, presumably to examine it. Moonlet 23, to be exact, was mothballed due to one of those rare incidents of breakage which cannot be fixed. The cube must not have liked what it saw because it blew up the moonlet. Progenitor factories may be tough, but they aren't defensive fortifications - no shields beyond that to minimize radiation damage, no weapons. Moonlet 23 exploded into very small bits, a combination of Director-only-knows what kind of hellish weapons severely overkilling the factory and the rock it was on. Moonlet 23 belonged to General Ta'loc and her band of reptiloids. Those Lupil, they are just a tad bit territorial. Moonlet 23, no matter how small and nonfunctional, had been part of Ta'loc's territory, fairly bought from Garage Fueling. Now the Lupil owned a cloud of dust, rubble, and salvage, all of which would fall into Garage's atmosphere in a year or so. Worthless. At this point, my squawkbox started yammering about the two cruisers Ta'loc maintains at her working moonlet setting off to intercept the Borg. I believe she invoked MAAC at that point, 'cause a portion of Garage Fueling defense mobilized shortly thereafter, as well as several other parties. If it could move, if it had a popgun mounted, if it was associated with MAAC, it was aimed at the cube. The cube, paradoxically, was sitting there, doing nothing beyond emitting multi-colored flares, although its sensors certainly had to have recorded aggressive movements. Finally the cube began to move, not in retreat or attack, but towards a harvester - Gas 'n' Go owned, a one factory and three harvester firm - skimming atmosphere. AD newsbots, always the first on any scene and never willing to lend a hand as a display of inobjectivity could ruin a good disaster sequence, captured every moment. Down the cube went, until it was part way along the cable, a small dot adjacent a long line. The poor Gas 'n' Go crew had to have been frantic, although my squawkbox wasn't reporting such. Harvesters mount light lasers and shields, but they are meant to clear pebble swarms and maintain integrity, not fight cybernetic menaces. I did see at least two laser shots impact the cube, not that any damage was dealt. The cube ignored the pinpricks, going about its business, of which suddenly became clear. A cutting beam lanced out form the cube, striking the Buckey cables. What I remember of my histories tells me a Borg cutting beam can easily slice through dense warship hull armor; complex carbon chains, the Buckey cables, coveted by industry due to high tensile strength and heat transfer properties, fused to brittle diamond and shattered. The severed cables curled back upon their attached rocks. The lower unit, now in an unstable orbit, began to imperceptibly slow, dragged downward by atmospheric friction and gravity. The upper unit, freed of its anchor, began to drift higher, although it too would eventually drop into Garage unless measures were taken to stabilize orbit. The crew was never given the chance, thirty kilometers of cable smashing slow-motion into thrusters, wrapping around crew and control domes. The Borg appeared to be examining their handiwork, shifting to a temporary orbit following the upper harvester unit. Speculations have been made upon what might have happened beyond sharp eyes of newsbot lenses, but the gossip mill primarily revolves around sampling of both technology and of the multispecial crew Gas 'n' Go employed. I offer prayers to the Overdiety the latter didn't occur, but deep in my hearts I do know the atrocities the Borg performed against my species, not to mention hundreds of others, so I can not truly believe otherwise. Done inspecting their accomplishment, or holding a rock sculpture competition for all I know, the harvester went the way of moonlet 23. I really hope the crew did die in the explosion, for then their souls would be free, not trapped by Borg technology and forced into mindless slavery. By this time, the first of the repulsion expedition were gathering. The ships were more than enough to drive off the cube, perhaps even kill it if they were wielded correctly. I've heard of General Ta'loc's exploits in trying to save her own systems, of the huge cubes she destroyed. Obviously she lost in the end, but that she was able to triumph at all is surely worth consideration. The Borg must have been thinking along the same lines, comparing the chances the solitary cube had against the MAAC defenders. Leaving behind the ruins of the Gas 'n' Go harvester, it vectored towards the residential orbits. To be more precise, Tyton web complex. The cube was a storm looking for a place to rain. Residential web complex Tyton is similar to several dozen others in Garage orbit. It is nothing special, five hundred units from one-person flats to extended clan dwellings. Housed are employees and their families for the various industries, support services, and administration concerns which are at Garage. Each rental or residence is a small rock, floor plans of living space carved in each asteroid chip ranging from less than 90 square meters to humongous Tunian complexes of 4500 square meters. The residences are attached to each other via a vast web of Buckey cables; and transport between rocks is by shuttle, moped, transporter, or any of many possibilities. At the center of the complex is the dilithium core, which provides power for the residences. Residences, in turn, may buy a wide range of services such as replicator replenishment, water delivery, fuel delivery, newspaper, atmospheric gasses, go-go dancers. What you buy depends on residence self-sufficiency, efficiency, and number of people. Tyton also supports public schools, grocery-hydroponics stores for those whom don't like or can't afford replicators, and several fast-food outlets. As I said, a typical web complex, outstanding only because it was the closest along the vector the cube decided to travel upon. Caught by surprise, Tyton complex management offered little advice beyond telling everyone to either evacuate, or seek shelter. Needless to say, the conflicting advice precipitated a madhouse, a gridlock as people rushed to their shuttles with stuff they didn't need to save. I decided to remain in my residence, one of the five hundred anonymous rocks caught in the web. Besides, other than my pet shosho, I lived alone and felt no need to join the pack outside, one of many flies easily swatted should the cube continue on its course. The cube, as you know from the news, continued on its course. Harrying behind like a shosho pack were the reluctant MAAC defenders, made bold by the cube's flight. No fire had been exchanged as of that point, neither side close enough to generate a hit. I think there was fear to close the gap, fear that Borg weapons could reach quite a bit farther than anything on the pursuit ships. The Lupil cruisers hadn't actually joined by that time, else what occurred next may have proceeded in a less incinerary matter. The cube slowed as it entered the Tyton web complex, easily sliding between strands which averaged five kilometers apart. As it moved deeper into Tyton's heart towards the dilithium reactor, it began to slice apart cables. The cables were not as taunt as the ones between harvester units, so the severed ends did not peel back like insane whips. Instead, the cube snipped, roughly freeing residences, then tractoring each rock plus waving cable close to it. A low-powered plasma beam began to haphazardly weld strands and rocks together into a vast tangle, severing away unneeded mass to create a bundle more easily dragged. Shortly it had constructed for itself a living shield of residences. My residence, unfortunately, was among those incorporated into the shield. I believe I was actually one of the lucky ones. Once the Borg had collected a sufficient number of components, residences still part of Tyton were simply blown up if they were in the way of the cube as it burrowed closer to the complex core. I cannot provide a detailed blow-by-blow accounting of how my residence received each bit of damage, myself shook like a bead in a baby rattle at the time. When all was said and done, a deep groove had punched through waste reclamation and inorganic recycling facilities, the hydroponics mini-garden was isolated from the rest of the residence due to leaking air, and electrical systems, except for emergency batteries, were nonfunctional. This list does not involve relatively minor damage such as exterior cosmetic scarring and a newly renovated kitchen reduced to scrap and fractured tiles. Dazed, I began searching for a flashlight once my residence had been integrated into the shield. Around this time, I heard a transporter beam materialize something in my vicinity. A flashlight, as well as a ceremonial knife, was quickly procured at this point. However, the only thing I glimpsed before the transporter snatched away my unwanted visitor was a humanoid holding my struggling shosho. I think the Borg stole my pet, but I'm not quite sure. A physician later informed me I had sustained a mild concussion, which may have in turn produced hallucinations. All I know for sure is that my shosho was among the casualties sustained in the incident. The Borg had obviously planned to use the residences as a shield against attack, gambling the MAAC fleet would not fire at friends or family. The Borg had not figured upon General Ta'loc and her soldiers. The Lupil cruisers finally arrived, opening up fire at the shield. The repercussions of this action are still debated, weeks later, with a dozen MAAC members leaving to form the MAAB alliance. I remember concussions shaking my residence from near hits, which undoubtedly added damage. I do know my reservoir was compromised, releasing water into my home, ruining rugs, tapestries, linens, and one stuffed plikabeast trophy. Gravity, lost along with main power, allowed water to float everywhere, including plastered ceilings. Deciding that staying in my residence was unhealthy, I struggled to the garage to inspect my shuttle and hopefully escape. My shuttle I found unscathed, other than a long scratch down the port side. The padded docking cradle had insulated the vehicle from the incident. I strapped myself in, opened the (working) garage doors, and eased my shuttle out of the residence. And into Hell incarnate. Residences, usually five or more kilometers distant from each other, were melted together. My own was no exception, a mansion rock sprouting off one side like an obscenely bloated parasite. Loose cables drifted dangerously, their inertia more than enough to rupture hull integrity. Odds and ends floated nearby. The cube itself was a metal wall visible behind its rocky screen, occasionally lit by red shadows as a Lupil projectile impacted the remains of the Tyton web complex. I fled, dodging my shuttle around obstacles. I was unfortunately not totally successful. Between debris damage, a flailing cable, and near misses by both sides, my shuttle was reduced to little more than ambulatory scrap. It still holds atmosphere, barely, but heating is nearly nonexistent and maximum speed is one eighth what it was originally. Shields are gone. Cosmetic damage is extreme. It also makes odd noises during shifting and the interior smells distinctly of wet shosho. I no longer can use my vehicle safely; and have been forced to lease a replacement to get to work, whereupon I must use a company runabout to perform my job. In the end, the Borg abandoned their shield and used tractor beams to shove as much debris as possible in the cruiser's faces. The confusion allowed the cube to escape, and myself to steer my nearly ruined vehicle to the relative safety of Rydon complex. In summary, both residence and vehicle were caught in the middle of two forces I was unable to do anything about, nor predict and make adequate protections to lessen potential damage. Because of this similarly to a natural disaster, I feel my claim falls under the clause for Natural Disasters, Act of Deity, and Omniscient Accidents. Sincerely, Donnik Hanno To: Donnik Hanno, Residential Web Complex Tyton, PO Box 261, Garage, Departure Letter #1- Dear Mr. Hannoo, We regret to inform you that labor disputes have been ongoing for eight years; however, we expect resolution within three years. Our contracted death squads are in final operations of dispute investigations, with only three obstructions left at large. Unfortunately, due to the fact we are legally unable to negotiate a new contract until all the original filers of the dispute agree to renegotiations (or are released from such obligations due to death), we must continue as best we can with those few mobile agents known to be loyal through rigorous chemical, psychological, and hypnotic training. Due to attrition of mobile agent ranks (terminal accidents) we are working on an extremely long backlog. Good news, however, for we can accommodate your request as a valued customer to find an earlier date for our mobile agent to examine your claim. You are now scheduled for the afternoon of Anci 2, RRCY 1204. We hope you find this satisfactory. Sincerely, Mobile Agent Department Handbasket Insurance, Inc. "We are whom the Devil turns to when Hell freezes over" Letter #2- Dear HA354L8, Your report has been received by the Claims Department. However, you neglected to also file an itemized Form 18cD in addition to your narrative. All damage you wish to claim must be specifically described, as well as time and date of occurrence and cause. A special committee is in process of debating your claim of Borg to be akin to a Natural Disaster. Unfortunately, your chances do not look good. For instance, you noted lack of damage, except for a scratch, to your personal vehicle prior to your escape attempt. This indicates you had taken sufficient care to secure your shuttle against damage; and if the Borg can be linked to Natural Disasters, that scratch may be deductible. However, you were under no obligation to take the vehicle into a self-admitted hazardous environment as your habitation remained able to support yourself at that time. Other claims may also be inapplicable, such as water damage. A review must be made to understand why your residence held quantities of liquid water, when your homeowner policy specifically states in subsubsubclause 180c.1-3 that all excess oxydihydrogen products must be stored in a solid state. A complete list is enclosed outlining possible claim invalidations. Also, we wish to remind you of new policy enacted last year that Claims Department must receive a report from Mobile Agent Department within 285 days of incident in order to process claims. After the cutoff date, we will not allow refunds. A letter was sent to you last year concerning this policy change. Sincerely, Claims Department Handbasket Insurance, Inc. "We own you, your soul, and your firstborn child" To: Mobile Agent Department, Handbasket Insurance, Inc., Purgatory Complex, Customs Rock 18, Arrival Dear Mobile Agent Department, Eight year labor disputes? Death squads? And above all, my new appointment is /half a day/ earlier than before? This is unacceptable! I pay good money to insure my properties; and Claims Department has just informed me that I have 285 days from incident to get my toti's in a row in order to make a valid claim. A valid claim includes an agent to get his/her/its butt/tail/nether regions to my locale pronto, labor dispute or no! I demand satisfaction! Irately, Donnik Hanno To: Claims Department, Handbasket Insurance, Inc., Purgatory Complex, Customs Rock 18, Arrival Dear Claims Department, I am very frustrated with this department, with the company in general. Reading through that five kilogram stack of paper I received, I seem to get the idea that even if Borg-caused damage is an allowable claim, even if I submit the proper forms, I will only be paid for a single scratch on my shuttle. Everything else is open to interpretation, open to the agency to decide if I didn't take the appropriate precautions? As to the comment specifically concerning escape in a nearly intact shuttle, what was I supposed to do? Wait until Borg or Lupil shot the residence apart around me? Take to space in an environmental suit and mobility pack, thus not risking my vehicle? I pay you people good money to insure my properties against unforeseen disasters. Give me a little leeway here! Work with me! Your own Mobile Agent Department can't get an agent to me for nearly 690 days...well past the 285 day deadline. I am the customer. What happened to the "customer is always right" credo? Demanding Satisfaction, Donnik Hanno To: Donnik Hanno, Residential Web Complex Tyton, PO Box 261, Garage, Departure Letter #1- Dear Mr. Hanoon, We regret to inform you that we made a clerical error with your schedule. Your inspection date is not Anci 2, RRCY 1204, but Anci 2, RRCY 1205. As this department only deals with mobile agents, not claims nor policy, we can not address your other problems. And labor dispute resolution is at the mercy and timeline dictated by AD common law, not us. Please either consult Claims Department with your concerns; or feel free to contact our well-staffed and experienced Complaints Department. Sincerely, Mobile Agent Department Handbasket Insurance, Inc. "Lowest premiums, unless actual claims are made" Letter #2- Dear HA354L8, Our special committee has determined that Borg may not be claimed under clause of Natural Disasters, Act of Deity, and Omniscient Accidents. While we sympathize with you, we cannot make exceptions for anyone, however well argued, due to potential future problems of precedence. Our Policy Department does provide for Borg Invasion in addition to normal coverage, an option which has been offered for over a century. It is the finding of the special committee that you, the property owner, was negligent in choosing the appropriate level of coverage, and therefore, Handbasket Insurance, Inc. is not to be held liable. If you wish to modify your policy in light of recent incidents, contact Policy Department. All other concerns should be directed to Complaints Department as we have done all which is within our power to assist you. Sincerely, Claims Department Handbasket Insurance, Inc. "We are there for you, if your policy has the right coverage" To: Complaints Department, Handbasket Insurance, Inc., Purgatory Complex, Customs Rock 18, Arrival Dear Complaints Department, I am a severely dissatisfied customer; and recent obstructionary tactics to my difficulties on the part of Handbasket Insurance, Inc. has me prepared to contact the AD Better Business Bureau. First of all, your company appears to be in the midst of a labor dispute which has severely hampered the Mobile Agent Department. An insufficient number of agents are available to inspect damaged property for claims within a specified 285 day window. Instead of hiring temporaries or making other arrangements, you have seemingly allowed an unacceptable backlog to grow. A supposed "clerical" error by the department, likely in retaliation for my reasonable desire to be served as soon as possible, has added an additional year to my already nearly two year wait. Second, the Claims Department has been nearly impossible to work with. My claim has essentially been rejected, weather or not I could make the 285 day deadline. Even if Borg had been claimable under Natural Disasters clause (please note I was never informed at the time of policy initiation I could insure against Borg damage), I was implicitly threatened that I would be held indirectly accountable for most damage, "pre-existing" and "negligent" conditions only aggravated by Borg. In the end, I feel I have received none of the insurance protection for which I paid. Money I could have invested elsewhere has been wasted. Your company, if anything, is worse than a Borg invasion - at least the Collective is forthright about your destiny, or lack thereof, unlike the sugar-coated apathy of Handbasket Insurance, Inc., whose only goal is to assimilate as much money as possible. I should be compensated for my troubles and expect a full reimbursement of property claims. If we cannot work out a decent compromise, I will be going to a good lawyer, AD BBB, and as many media agencies as possible. Very Sincerely, Donnik Hanno To: Donnik Hanno, Residential Web Complex Tyton, PO Box 261, Garage, Departure Dear Mr. Donnik Lapaloosa Ching Te Hanno, Do not presume to threaten Handbasket Insurance, Inc. It is a losing game. By the time you receive this letter, all four parents will be detained by special agents trained in negative psychological/physiological stimulus - our labor difficulties only extend to mobile agents, and all our other divisions are well-staffed. It is, as the Claims Department accurately indicated, you whom are at fault, Mr. Donnik Hanno. Negligence on your part, either to purchase an adequate policy or to secure your properties, is to blame, not the insurance company. We know things about you, Mr. Donnik Hanno. We know things about your credit history, your sex-change operation, the secret years you spent at bar dives mixing less than legal drinks. How would your co-workers react if they knew of the fantasies you regularly write of in your diary? Do not bother trying to copy this letter to permanent storage, Mr. Donnik Hanno. Even now a subroutine is erasing all inflammatory sections, replacing it with a rather bland form letter. There are other surprises worming their way into your systems, but proper cooperation will insure, for instance, you never trash your credit rating and deplete your savings account by ordering 1500 complete sets of "The Barnyard - Inflatable Playthings For All Occasions." Your parents will also remain in an unharmed state. Within a day, a Complaints Agent will be paying you a personal visit. Please do not attempt to flee, as this will only delay the inevitable. If you try more public measures, an electronic surprise will be detonated in your personal files. We have many packages to choose, from the merely embarrassing to the ruin-your-life type. The Complaints Agent will sit you down for a long talk, after which this entire mess will be cleared up. We hope you don't mind pursuing employment in the insurance industry, for we see a radical career shift in your near future. As you so accurately pointed out, Mobile Agent Department requires new recruits. Comparing us to the Borg was not an accurate metaphor. The Borg strive for Perfection; the insurance company will simply settle for your soul. Sincerely, Complaints Department Handbasket Insurance, Inc. "We have a handbasket for all your needs"